Monday, September 6, 2010

The President’s to-do list

by A A Sheikh

The country is facing a grave crisis (again). It’s apparently on the brink of ruin and anarchy (again) while reeling from a terrible disaster (again) and is scrambling to cope with its fallout (again). Meanwhile blatant acts of terrorism and lawlessness abound (as usual). The government is falling woefully short in managing its multiple crises (what’s new?) and has called desperately for international help (again).

Yes, it’s bad. But it’s heartening to see our president working tirelessly to tackle the situation and keep the government afloat, pardon the pun. With so much to do in so little time, he’s taken to jotting down things-to-do lists to keep track of urgent plans. These are meant to be ultra-secret but through top-notch investigative journalism we managed to get hold of one. Take a look:

Arrange occasional face-saving visits to flood-affected areas. Saving one’s face is easy since most flood victims are barefoot anyway. Still, R. Malik to do a prior security sweep to remove all shoes in such areas.

Arrange more foreign trips. I’m sure Mauritius can help us tremendously with flood relief. As can Madagascar. They’re both islands, aren’t they? And have lovely resorts to boot. F. Minister to finalise dates.

Check the latest President and PM flood relief coffers and calculate 10 per cent thereof.

Check the going rate for that wonderful chateau near Marseille that Billoo told me about. Ensure its ownership can subsequently be traced to my great-great-great-great grandfather.

Play on the Ramazan sentiment and encourage more public donations to flood relief coffers.

Encourage more foreign assistance from all over the world, then recheck the coffers and calculate…well you know the drill.

Encourage leaders of Australia, Belgium, Holland and Italy to issue anti-Pakistan statements so that I can personally make trips to their countries, see them eyeball-to-eyeball and convince them that we’re not against them, we’re under them. F. Minister to take note!

Make a show of seriously overseeing all flood relief and rehabilitation efforts. Commit billions to the cause but dole out only shoestring amounts. Save the rest for a rainy day. A rainy day! Haha! I’m so funny!

That baldie and his brother, the Great Servant! Grabbing cheap popularity and political mileage from the floods. Even Salman seems to have no taseer on them anymore. Tell him to hound them and prevent them from doing any work in the foreseeable future.

And…the baldie fatso has no right to play Mr Goody Two-Shoes all over, visiting flood victims and all.  Tell PM to invite him over and overdose him on Pai ‘n Nihari.

Tell Billoo to concentrate more on studies and avoid politics for now. He’s growing too fast, and getting too big for his shoes. That’s dangerous. He should spend several years mastering each class (like I did in my school-college years) and remember that wise saying: Don’t teach your dad how to you-know-what.

And why do I keep using shoe phrases? Note to self: chuck that habit, hard.

Ask HC how much she’s collected from the SMS fundraising drive in the US. Tell her to release the money urgently as people are dying here. To get their hands on it! Haha! I’m really funny sometimes!

Check with Billoo if he needs any tents for camping or anything in Oxford. ‘Cause we’re getting a lot of those. Some are actually top-quality stuff.

Block Expressive News and Gee-whiz News and KRY News instantly in case any of my to-do lists leak out.

Initiate target-killing for all those who read them.

Published in The Express Tribune, August 29th, 2010.